Sure, I’ll grant you that he’s an excellent musician & singer. He also seems like a nice enough fella. I wish him nothing but the best in his life & upcoming career. However, he should proceed with his newfound life with the knowledge that he has ruined all of my plans & crushed all of my highest dreams in the process.
As many of you already know (because I try to remind people every chance I get), I have attempted to garner a spot on American Idol on 3 separate occasions. Obviously, as I have never appeared on the show in any way, my attempts have been, as yet, unsuccessful. Be that as it may, I have never lost hope that I would someday make it onto the show & woo the American viewing audience with my unique combination of stellar vocals, sensational stage presence, amazing sense of humor, unbelievable good looks, charismatic personality, &, of course, disarming & utter humility.
Enter Kris Allen & all that has changed. He has broken into the home where my dreams & aspirations lived happily & peacefully with everything & everyone, & he has burglarized all of the hope that once gave me endlessly lovely, vivid dreams as I slept through the night. Yesterday I watched as he took my goal of being American Idol & he moved it from being something not very likely & kind of improbable to something completely unreachable & thoroughly impossible.
“But Sam,” you are asking, “how could Kris Allen, who you’ve never met & who doesn’t know you from Adam, possibly have done something like this to you?”
Well, I’m glad you asked. The answer boils down to simple statistics. Let’s start with a conservative estimate that 100,000 people audition for AI each year. Already, the chances of being the American Idol are 1 in 100,000 or .001%. Thanks Kris. As if I didn’t have my work cut out for me already. So here’s where Kris Allen comes into the equation.
You see, Kris & I both attended elementary school at the prestigious College Station Elementary. If that weren’t enough, we also both attended junior high at Fuller Junior High School. You can imagine what happens statistically when you compound the following 3 pieces of data;
1) the chances of becoming the American Idol,
2) the chances of two American Idols attending the same elementary school, &
3) the chances of two American Idols attending the same elementary and junior high schools.
My .001% chance of winning just got moved about 347 decimal places to the left. Thank you, Kris Allen. Thank you.
On the other hand, I am not one to lose hope in something just because it’s a “mathematical impossibility.” I must look on the bright side here, & there are several things that give me reason to be optimistic.
1) We were not in the same class &, in fact, we never even met. Although, he probably knew who I was (I mean who didn’t, right? *wink*, rotfl, hahaha, lol, j/k… but seriously).
2) Thank goodness I didn’t go to Mills High School, as he did.
3) My brother pointed this out last night, maybe the fact that it is so very impossible actually makes it not only possible, but probable. I’m not really sure if that’s true. Actually, I’m quite certain that it isn’t even remotely true, but it is fun to pretend and use my imagination. I’ve always believed that. And finally,
4) AI is coming to Boston for auditions next season, & I live in Boston now. Therefore, I’m pretty much a shoe in to win American Idol season 9. It’s a cinch!
At the end of the day it doesn’t really matter all that much. For now I am content to sing my songs & entertain tourists, colleges, & high school kids on lunch & dinner cruises around the Boston Harbor while continuing to look for nanny positions.
Congratulations, Kris! You deserve it, & I sincerely do hope that you go on to accomplish great things. You’re a stand-up guy, & I don’t think your winning AI was a purposeful attack on me personally. I’m 63% sure that you didn’t try out for & win American Idol with the expressed & specific goal of squashing all of my hopes & dreams.
