Yes, it is an odd title to put on a post about difficult times. Things are tougher than they’ve ever been for me right now. Boston is a hard place to live. Brooklynne & I are coming face to face with this ugly thing inside of us called our sense of entitlement.
The very high cost of living in Boston contrasted with our very low income is becoming hard to bear. We are making enough to pay our monthly bills now, which is better than we were doing before. I always thought that I would be fine with it. I knew it was going to happen when we moved here.
I believed that I was fully prepared to cut the necessary corners, but I was wrong. I was prepared to buy generic brands instead of name brands. I was prepared to stop eating out & going to movies. I was prepared to keep the lights & appliances turned off as much as possible to cut down energy costs. But isn’t it always the little things that really creep up & get at you? I wasn’t prepared to be unable to buy a flower or little gift for my wife now & then. I wasn’t prepared to be unable to stop in & grab a coke at a service station. I wasn’t prepared to be in a difficult & thankless job for very little pay. (Okay, so the last one isn’t really a little thing, but I just wasn’t prepared for it is what I’m saying.)
Lately though I have been trying to confront these things by reminding myself that my disappointment in these situations are not coming from a good source. If I know that I can do better & am merely refusing to do so, then my disappointment could be a very healthy emotion to spur me on towards bettering the situation. However, if I am doing the very best I can & working towards improving the situation however possible, then my disappointment only springs from my own pride & arrogance in thinking that I deserve so much better. I’m afraid that lately my disappointment has been springing from the latter source. Not to mention that when I focus my attention on disappointment, I’m forgetting about the innumerable things that I have that I did not earn, nor do I deserve.
I have an amazing, beautiful, resilient, intelligent, supportive, & very gracious wife that loves me more than I can comprehend.
I don’t deserve that, but I have it.
I have the cutest puppy in the world that is, for the most part, very fun & obedient.
I don’t deserve that, but I have it.
We have jobs that pay the bills, provide a very nice & well furnished apartment, & put food in our bellies.
We don’t deserve that, but we have it.
How dare I be anything but thankful & completely overwhelmed by God’s mercy towards me?! How fortunate I am that God has not rebuked me harshly for my arrogance!
I know that God is trying to teach us about his faithfulness in all situations. He is trying to teach us patience, humility, & discipline. He is trying to teach us that our joy should not be dependent upon things going our way, but rather things going His way. I think that it just might be a little easier to learn if I could get rid of this stupid sense of entitlement that I have.
