So last night was the first big cruise of the season for the Spirit of Boston. I was only training as a server, but I was one of the lucky few that was selected to do my solo as well. I sang “Friends In Low Places” as guests were enjoying their dinner. All the cruise directors gave me rave reviews. One of the cruise directors for the Chicago branch of this cruise line talked to me for a little while after the show and said, “Man, I really wish you lived in Chicago. You are so entertaining to watch!” That’s right! Here I come world! The cruise ship entertainment industry isn’t gonna know what hit ‘em.
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Archive for March, 2009
1) Guys wearing girl jeans
2) People saying, “Been there, done that.” Especially if they add, “got the t-shirt” at the end.
3) People saying “pacifically” instead of “specifically.”
4) Mtv. The programming glorifies everything that is shallow, materialistic, vain, and soulless. I honestly believe that this channel corrupts and perverts the hearts and minds of the youth in America more than any number of rated R movies or songs with explicit lyrics ever could.
5) People walking up escalators. (Brooklynne & I feel strongly about this one) If you need to walk cause you’re in a hurry, then take the stairs. Escalators are for the lazy. This also applies to moving walkways.
6) People sighing loudly behind me when I don’t walk up the escalator. I’ll fart in your face just like I did to the last guy.
7) The game Catch Phrase. This game is merely “hot potato” in disguise. If a game doesn’t reward you for being good at it, then I want nothing to do with it. It’s a game of pure chance. Why don’t we just flip a coin, call it a night, and save ourselves 20 minutes.
8. (This one’s for Dad) People putting nuts into desserts or salads. When I buy a can of nuts, I don’t wants chunks of brownie or lettuce in it. Why would I want chunks of nuts in my brownies or lettuce then?
9) TV commercials. Give it up already! Who watches live TV anymore? And even if they do, who doesn’t mute the commercials anyway?
10) Celebrity gossip. Who gives a rat’s rear how much Tea Leoni paid for her sash? Why would I care what Toby Maguire ate for lunch at The Ivy? What could you possibly tell me about Ben Afleck’s day at the mall that could possibly make me give two, or even three, craps about. I am always amazed at the inane information given in these shows and magazines. We don’t know these people. And what baffles me even more is that even if I did know these people I still wouldn’t care about the information. I just don’t get it.
Anyway, what did I miss? What did I get wrong? What could you do without?
I don’t know why I didn’t see it coming. I’ve been preparing for it my whole life. When I was a child I performed cheesy renditions of “The Streak” by Ray Stevens for anyone who would listen. In elementary school I was perhaps the only 5th grader who could’ve pulled off playing a drunken french trader in Ms. May’s class play about Sacagawea without ever having seen either a frenchman or a drunk person in real life. In jr. high I annoyed everyone in my youth group by making any and every wisecrack that came to mind on the (very) off chance that I’d get a laugh. Heck even a chuckle was fine with me. In high school I quit the football team my senior year to be in the drama program. Not to toot my own horn, but one of us won a state championship that year in storytelling, and it wasn’t the football team. (toot toot). In college I did theatron, Spring Sing, You’re a Good Man Charlie Brown, and Beauty & the Beast. The next logical step in the progression was to get a job performing on a dinner cruise boat. You’d think I would’ve realized it sooner instead of beating around the bush teaching rugrats for 3 years. Either way, I finally came around & locked up a job with the Spirit of Boston as a singer & a server. If you’re in Boston anytime soon, you should definitely come out with us for an evening dinner & entertainment experience that you won’t soon forget. I’ll be singing “Friends in Low Places,” “Desperado,” and “Country Boys & Girls Gettin’ Down on the Farm.” (Can you tell that they’ve type cast me as the southern guy?) But I could care less, I mean 3 solos! Take that Spring Sing. I’m excited, to say the least. I now have a job that will allow me to be really cheesy & sing in front of large groups of people. And they’re paying me! I’m just tickled pink.
